Chapter 25

Kitty 

Caroline called Sunday to say Astrid had agreed to meet me at Loose Lips, but gave no indication of whether she would accept me or not. 

Caroline also told me that if I was to do this, she would arrange everything but I would be expected to follow the protocol to the letter. 

It was to be a ceremony in which I would be presented to Astrid to offer myself to her and I was to come to The Hearth early Friday to be prepared. 

In the meantime, I was expected to study the ceremony and write an entreaty to present on the night. 

Caroline outlined the intricacies of it, insisting I took notes, which I did. 

She also said I would have to place myself in her temporary care. And I would have to accept Astrid’s final decision either way. 

I agreed to everything, but after we hung up, I wondered how on earth I could go through with it. 

I would have to really let go, Caroline had reiterated. 

And if I didn’t, this really was the end of the line with Astrid. 

I could think of nothing else all Monday, when I snuck back into the department. I dreaded the prospect of anyone seeing me, but I needed to pick up the mail and my books.

I crept in early and slunk through the corridor to the postboxes, thankfully tucked away in the far end of the department.

“Katherine?” Professor Harris’ voice piped up behind me as I was trying to quietly rifle through the post in-tray. 

I cursed under my breath and turned around.

“Yes, sir?” I meeped as casually as I could muster. 

“Are you alright?” he strolled closer in his usual three-piece tweed affair, bow-tie, and squeaking brogues. 

“Yes, sir,” I replied unconvincingly, “Certainly.”

“Just, after the other day,” he looked at me sidelong, “I was worried about you.”

“Um… yes, I’m really sorry, sir,” I tried, “I just…” 

I stopped and didn’t know what else to say. 

“No need to apologise,” he laid a hand on my upper arm gently, “You told Barbara off right properly, didn’t you?”

I was gobsmacked. 

“I… err… I thought you’d be mad, sir.” 

“For giving her what for? Not a bit of it.”

I stared at him blankly.

“I don’t know what she said to you just then, but she was being an utter terror to your lady-friend the other night at dinner,” he continued, “Inexcusable… What was it she said to you, anyway?”

“Um… she was telling me I shouldn’t wear, well, this to the department,” I gestured to the suit I chose to wear again, “That it was… manly and inappropriate. That no one would take me… seriously?” 

I couldn’t believe I was being so honest, but he had caught me off-guard.

“Pretentious old windbag,” he muttered and I almost spluttered a laugh, “Don’t listen to a word out of her sanctimonious mouth.”

I nodded, numbly.

“To be honest, we were all rather proud of you letting her know what we were all thinking.” 

“Thank you, sir?” I mumbled. 

“I told you to call me Algie,” he smiled, “and wear whatever you want to school, silly girl, I do.”

And he tugged at his bow tie and laughed. 

I smiled and felt lighter. 

“Now, I’m sure you have things to do,” he straightened himself up. 

“Yes, sir… I mean, Algie.”

He nodded and turned to his office, whistling. 

The exchange boggled my mind. 

I had been terrified going back in. Wondering if I would be immediately thrown out or called any number of things to boot. 

I wasn’t expecting what I got. 

From the Professor, no less.

Maybe I could be more… me? 

There.

***

When I got home, I laid on my bed and realised I wasn’t sure what being more me would look like.

I would probably want to buy more suits.

And maybe I could say and write a few more things I hadn’t felt like I could before. 

And… I would be Astrid’s. 

That was the one thing I was certain I wanted. 

And oh fuck… I wanted to be hers. 

It was too much to bare imagining Friday might not go well. 

I spent the following day worrying sick about it, studying the ceremony and trying to write my entreaty.  

I was several drafts in when I screamed at the computer, “Fuck!”

I lay my forehead on the keyboard and exhaled loudly.

“Um, you alright?” Jane’s voice came from the door to my room she had opened without knocking. 

“Uuuuuurrrr…” I groaned, “No…” 

Jane tiptoed in and sat on my bed. 

“Tara told me about Astrid.”

I lifted my head and turned in my chair to look at her. 

“I… I’m writing her a letter.”

“A letter?”

“Yeah… it’s part of this… ceremony,” I tried to explain, “It’s like… my chance to say sorry. To tell her how I feel and that… I want to be hers.”

I looked down at the floor. 

Jane reached forward and gently lifted my chin. 

“You can do this,” she said, “Just stop worrying and say what you mean.” 

“I don’t know how.”

“Oh you dickhead,” Jane scoffed and shoved my shoulder, “Of course you do.”

I looked at her sceptically. 

“Just tell it to me,” she offered.

And I did. 

It was painful at first. 

Trying to conceptualise my feelings and guilt. 

Trying to think of what I would say and how I would say it. 

How I would apologise. 

For being ashamed of her, for not defending her. 

To say I would, and was, working to better myself. 

That I loved her. And understood if she couldn’t… but that I hoped she would… have me. 

All whilst trying not to think of Astrid saying no.

Friday finally came and I made my way to The Hearth with my entreaty written out, the black plain underwear Caroline instructed me bring, and Astrid’s collar. 

Caroline greeted me at the door, in her ever-present apron, and offered me tea as she got ready for the evening. 

“You remember the order of events?” she invited me into her small bedroom and started to get changed in front of me. 

“Ye..Yes,” I answered, not sure where to look as she pulled off her dress, unabashed.

“And you consent to all of it?” she asked simply as she flicked through a clothes-rail set up in one corner of the room, in lieu of a closet it seemed.

“Yes, I do.”

“Then you will do exactly what I tell you,” Caroline slipped into a glorious sheer black, ankle-length gown, so unlike the house-dresses I’d seen her wear before.

“Yes, of course.”

“And you will address me as ‘my Lady’ throughout our time in Loose Lips,” she put in a pair of glittering black stone earrings, “until such time as you are told not to.”

I nodded. 

“I won’t put up with disrespect,” she said seriously, as she finished her look with a black jewel droplet necklace, “This is serious.”

“I know,” I replied earnestly.

“I suppose you do,” she stood, “Okay, make sure you have your underwear on under your clothes, you will be undressing the moment we get there.”

I nodded again. 

“Best put on her collar too,” she suggested, “and don’t forget to observe all the protocol Astrid has been instructing you on.”

“Yes, of course,” I felt the tell-tale tingle of submission in the back of my mind, combined with shivering terror. 

“This most certainly is the highest protocol occasion,” she insisted as we left. 

***

We spent the rest of our journey going over each step of the ceremony again. 

By the time we got to the tattoo parlour, I was a knot of balled up nerves. 

I just need it to go well, I begged silently. 

I reminded myself that whatever Astrid decided, I wanted to make her proud.

“Alright, in you go and off with your kit,” Caroline interrupted my train of thought as we walked into the parlour. 

I walked through to the back room where I was met by the grinning Penny standing behind the trestle table.

“Hi Kitty!” she greeted enthusiastically and waved. 

“Hi Penny,” I answered with a wan smile, “Um, can I use the changing room?”

“All yours,” she wafted before turning quickly serious and lowering her eyes, “Lady Caroline.”

I looked behind me and saw Caroline had joined us. 

“At ease, Penny,” Caroline instructed with a warm smile. 

“Yes my Lady,” Penny curtseyed and switched seamlessly back to her jovial self, “Off you pop 

Kitty, while I take Lady Caroline’s coat?” 

I didn’t stop to ask what that was all about, but watched Penny take Caroline’s coat and hang it reverently before curtseying to her again as I went into the changing room.

Once in, I stripped off my shirt, jacket and trousers and folded them into my duffel bag, along with my shoes and socks. 

I stepped back, naked except for a pair of plain black underwear. 

I swallowed hard as I buckled the collar into place and touched its frigid ring with my fingers. 

I recalled the first time I had been in the club. When Astrid turned my collar around and I felt for the cold ring lying at my throat.

Fuck.

Fuck. fuck. fuck.

I exhaled hard, took my entreaty from the bag, and stepped out of the changing room. 

“… is prepared, my Lady,” Penny was saying, “Road Rash has cleared the room for the ceremony.”

“Very good, Penny,” Caroline replied as I joined them. 

Penny curtseyed to her and took my bag, smiling at me.

“My Lady,” I curtseyed, handed Caroline my paper, and lowered my eyes so as not to meet hers. 

“Good girl,” Caroline answered and I curtseyed again. 

She stepped behind me and placed her heavy bag on the table before Penny. 

I listened to it being unzipped, and Caroline rummaging in it.

Unseen, she took my wrists gently in her hands and wrapped leather cuffs around each, before clipping them together behind my back. 

She returned to face me, reached under my chin, and I heard the click of a leash being attached to my collar. 

“Open your mouth.” 

“Yes, my Lady,” I curtseyed and obeyed. 

Caroline placed the rubber ball of a gag firmly between my teeth and reached around my head to buckle it into place. 

Finally, she laid a leather blindfold over my eyes, stretching the elasticated band behind the back of my head. 

Despite knowing I would be presented this way, I wasn’t prepared for being plunged into such darkness. 

I felt even more naked. 

Vulnerable but open. 

Caroline led me carefully forward and down the stairs. 

I knew the staircase well enough at that point, but it was still terrifying to navigate it blindfolded with my wrists cuffed behind my back. 

Soon enough we reached the lower floor and I heard the murmur of voices hush. 

Caroline drew me forward into what must have been the bar. 

We stopped and I stood on the cold, concrete floor, feeling the light breeze keenly across my exposed body, my nipples puckering. 

“Alright, Lady Caroline,” I heard Road Rash in front of us. 

“Darling Rash, it’s been too long,” Caroline shifted ahead of me.

“Is this one ready?” 

It was surreal to be talked about that way, completely unable to see or speak. 

“Yes,” Caroline answered, “She’s been practising all week, and knows the protocol.”

“Glad to hear it, ‘cos I cleared the playroom for this.”

“I hope we didn’t inconvenience anyone?” 

“Not at all,” Road Rash gruffed, “And even if you did, fuck ‘em, it’s my house.”

“That it is,” Caroline replied with what sounded like a smile, before asking, “How’s our girl?”

“She’s here,” Road Rash said simply, giving nothing away. 

“Fair enough,” Caroline sighed, “Okay, well, perhaps we should get this one prepared.”

“The floor’s yours,” I heard Road Rash step aside.

Caroline tugged my leash and led me forward. 

I heard the hush of the curtain being pulled aside as I was guided under it and into the silent playroom, my padding bare feet seeming to echo within it.

A ways in, Caroline stopped me, stepped behind me, and unclipped my cuffs before she returned to my front and wordlessly lifted my arms up above my head. 

Once stretched, she clipped my cuffs to something above me before releasing her grip. 

The chain I had been restrained to rattled. 

I realised my arms had some slack, but not a lot, as I twisted my wrists in place. 

I felt Caroline bend down and a cuff being wrapped around one ankle and then the other. 

I shuffled a step to test how I was tethered to the floor as well the ceiling. 

Caroline glided away from me as I hung there, profoundly nude. 

I started to pant against the gag, aching not to drool, acutely aware that I had no awareness at all of how I looked or how I was. 

Let go, I reminded myself.

Furniture scraped around me and Caroline returned to my side. 

“Please let in our guests, Penny,” Caroline called out loudly. 

“Yes, my Lady,” Penny called back from somewhere, and shortly after I heard the zip of the curtain being drawn. 

Shuffling and clicking heels shortly followed and hushed voices drew closer. 

I had been told this was how I would be presented to Astrid. 

That it would be public to the club, but I was not to know who would be there. 

Despite the forewarning, nothing could have prepared me for how it felt. 

Swinging gently there in my oblivion. 

To be so observed.

My breath shortened and my chest tightened.

The shuffling eased and the murmuring subsided. 

“We are here to witness the penitence of this girl to her Mistress,” Caroline orated, “And to give her Mistress the opportunity to pass judgement.”

“We ask you remain silent during the ceremony,” Caroline continued. 

There was silence in response, the only sound in the room seeming to come from the creak of 

the chain I hung from.

“If it pleases the Mistress,” Caroline spoke and I realised Astrid must be in the room, “Allow me to present her wayward girl.”

“Please do,” I heard Astrid say in front of me, and I immediately felt tears well behind my blindfold at the sound of her voice.

“Very good,” Caroline replied, and she gripped my wrists and unclipped them from the chain holding me aloft. 

Even the short time dangling there had made my arms wobbly as she guided my hands to rest in front of me and clipped them together again. 

A knot formed in my throat and I tried to swallow against my gag.

I feared my knees would give. 

Let go, Kitty I repeated in my head.

My attention was pulled back by Caroline unclipping my ankles from the floor and returning to my side. 

An unnerving moment’s silence stretched into eternity before my leash tugged and I was led forward a few pensive steps.

Once there, Caroline guided me to kneel and I tried to remain neatly on my knees with my back straight as I Astrid had trained me to. 

“This girl came to me and I agreed to her request for guidance,” Caroline announced, “I took her as my temporary charge for the sole purpose of presenting her to her Mistress.”

“The girl has expressed her penitence to me,” she continued, “but it is by this ceremony, she will express it to her Mistress, with you all as her witness.”

“Her Mistress has graciously afforded this audience and allowed the girl to present her entreaty,” Caroline explained, “What her Mistress ultimately decides will be respected by all here present.” 

Caroline’s pronouncement was greeted with silence.

I breathed hard through my nose, trying to calm my heaving chest. 

My shins started to chill against the cold stone floor and I willed myself not to fidget. 

“With your blessing, Mistress?” Caroline asked. 

“Please, Lady Caroline,” Astrid replied from somewhere before me, closer now. 

“Thank you, Mistress,” Caroline tugged on my leash to lift me up. 

I stiffly rose without the aid of my hands and Caroline pulled me forward a few more steps before directing me to my knees again, this time on what felt like a small carpet. 

Caroline placed a hand on the back of my head and pushed it gently but firmly down, so I had to put my forearms on the carpet and my head between my hands. 

“Mistress, I present your wayward girl,” Caroline said, “Who comes to you of her own volition and desire to entreat for her return to you.”

Caroline paused for a moment before asking, “Will you hear her entreaty, Mistress.”

Another torturous silence.

“Yes, I will,” I heard Astrid’s voice above me. 

“Very well,” Caroline pulled on my leash so I was raised to kneel upright. 

“Girl, you will soon be permitted to speak,” Caroline instructed me as she had told me she would, “You will only do so to respond to direct commands and provide your entreaty, and for no other reason.” 

I knelt silently. 

“You will comport yourself in accordance with the protocol you have been trained to perform. Your discipline in this is a sign of your respect to your Mistress and to this ceremony,” she concluded. 

I continued to kneel silently.

My fingertips buzzed with adrenaline and the dew of sweat trickled down my back as Caroline moved from my side to behind me to very carefully remove the blindfold. 

My eyesight blurred into focus as Caroline unbuckled my gag. 

I gratefully closed my mouth when the ball was out but didn’t reach up to rub my aching jaw. 

Rather I stayed still, my eyes lowered so I was only able to catch a circle of legs around me and the small rectangular red carpet I was kneeling on. 

The room was dark but for the flickering of warm candles playing across the concrete floor and walls. 

Before me I could make out Astrid’s lower half but I didn’t dare look up at her. 

I was told that under no circumstances was I to raise my gaze unless given explicit instruction to. 

As such, I could see the legs of the throne she sat on, her calves resting together to one side, her stilettos on the concrete. 

I had a flash of the way she sat on the bench that day in the woods when she gave me my first taste of submission. 

Caroline leaned down and placed the paper I had written in front of me on the carpet. 

“Now, girl, you will respond to each of my questions,” Caroline said. 

“Yes, my Lady,” my dry throat cracked. 

“Do you entreat your Mistress to return to her?”

“Yes, my Lady.”

“Do you do so by your own free will?”

“Yes, my Lady.” 

“Do you respect the decision of your Mistress, whatever it may be?”

“Yes, my Lady.”

“And do you understand you will leave my temporary guardianship at the conclusion of this ceremony?”

“Yes, my Lady.”

I was trembling from the tempest of feeling and sensation, prostrating myself, begging Astrid…

“Then proceed, girl,” Caroline once again broke my rumination before it could fully take hold. 

“Y..yes my Lady,” I reached forward to the paper with bound trembling hands. 

“My M.. Mistress,” I coughed. 

”I formally and humbly entreat you to receive this girl back into your care, guidance, and service. I…err…” tears welled, making it harder still to read in the dim light, but I carried on as evenly as I could, “I apologise for the crassness of my words, brought about by the fear in my heart and the uncertainty in my mind. A fear and uncertainty not borne from our association but from my past, and my concern for the future.”

I paused and swallowed. 

These were my words, but reading them back I could feel my heart breaking again.

“A fear for the future which was not directed by my submission to you, but by my own self-concern. A self-concern about how others would perceive me.”

I inhaled hard, as the tears rolled freely. 

“I did not consider how I was limiting myself. I did not consider how it harmed you. And I did not consider how you were seeking to free me, to inspire me, and to love me. All of which…” my voice broke, “you have done.”

“I humbly request…” my attempt not to sniff failing, ”I humbly request to return to your side as your submissive. As your girl.” 

I paused, “So I might show you the care, respect and deepest profound love I have for you.”

“I pledge to better myself, by learning of the privileges I have, and the privileges I wish to set aside or share for the betterment of others, Mistress.”

Tears tapped onto the paper and my throat constricted painfully. 

“I humbly request… to be your property, to be your girl, to be yours, and to be with you. With all my heart, I love you, my Mistress.”

I sucked in a sob as I placed the paper on the ground with shaking hands and kept my head lowered.

Silence dragged save for the ringing in my ears. 

I was bereft. 

I was bare. 

But I was free. 

Of something I could not consider in that moment nor find any kind of words for.

Caroline returned to my side and laid a hand on the back of my head to gently guide it forward. I rested my forearms and head on the carpet again. 

My breath played warm against my skin as I lay raw and surrendered.

“The entreaty has been given,” Caroline said solemnly, “And we ask kindly for our witnesses to retire so the Mistress might provide her response to the girl.”

Feet shuffled away and a few voices murmured quietly as they went. 

I wept into the carpet, my body wracked. 

“Mistress, it is my duty to humbly request, if you have a response for this girl?” Caroline asked above me. 

“Yes,” I heard Astrid’s voice quiet and cracked. 

“Very good, Mistress,” Caroline guided me to kneel with my leash. 

I raised up weakly and knelt, drained.

There was a long pause. 

“Kitty, look up,” I heard Astrid as if from very far away. 

I craned my neck to see her leaning forward in her throne, looking down at me, her face a blotch of tears and running make-up. 

“Do you truly want this?”

“Yes, Mistress,” I replied without reservation or hesitation, “I love you, and I can’t stand being apart, and I can’t stand I hurt you.” 

Astrid looked at me for a moment longer before looking up to Caroline.

“Then I confer the care of this girl back to you, Mistress, along with the ceremonial rod,” Caroline said, and I looked up at her and saw her smiling. 

I looked back at Astrid who took my leash and a bundle of twigs from Caroline. 

I opened my mouth to say something but caught myself. 

“I take back dominion of this girl with my gratitude Lady Caroline, and take this rod with the promise I will apply it justly and firmly,” Astrid replied.

“And with that, I withdraw to allow you to reconfirm your contract,” Caroline said before walking round to face me, “And you girl, it was a pleasure to be your guardian but please don’t make a habit of it.”

“Yes, my Lady,” I kept my gaze lowered as she left, my heart lodged somewhere firmly in my throat. 

And then it was just Astrid and I. 

“Kitty, we have two more duties to the ceremony that must be honoured,” Astrid said, stiffly.

“We have to reaffirm our contract,” she said, “And then… one more thing.”

“Yes, Miss,” I answered, keeping my eyes down.

“Kitty, look at me.”

“Yes, Miss,” I looked up. 

I couldn’t read her expression. 

Concerned, relieved, happy, sad?

“I… I need to let go of a few things too,” she said and my heart almost stopped, “No, not you.”

I exhaled. 

“I… I get scared,” she admitted, “Which can make me self-focused… uh… self-centred.”

She shifted further forward.

“I have been informed that I keep people at arms length… and don’t fully let them in,” she carried on, “And I can’t quite accept when there are bumps… especially if I’m hurt.”

I nodded stiffly. 

“You said things that hurt me, Kitty,” she looked at her hands but then back at me. 

“Look… um… what I’m saying is…” Astrid stammered, “I want you back, and I want to sign a new contract with you.” 

I nodded vigorously, my heart fit to explode.

“But… would you be okay if I asked more… more of you with me… and a contract that was a little more… restrictive?” Astrid asked shyly.

“Yes please, Miss,” I grinned and cried, about to fall to pieces if I wasn’t allowed to hold her any second.

Astrid smiled wanly. 

“Okay… okay… then… um…” Astrid stumbled, “Uh… you have to sign this one now… It’s simple… But I will write something new… Or we can… Okay…”

Astrid turned oddly bashful, “Okay, well, we need to um… well, there’s one more thing we need to do.”

“Yes, Miss?”

Astrid lifted the bundle of sticks and showed it to me. 

Trying to focus on it, I saw it was tied together at one end with a red ribbon, but I didn’t get the significance. 

“You need to get your arse handed to you with this,” she explained.

“Ah… oh, um…” it dawned on me, “Of course, Miss.”

Astrid smiled, looked nervously behind her, turned back, and grabbed my face to kiss me fiercely. 

My heart detonated as my parched lips stung under her yearned for assault. 

I tried to reach up to hold her face close but got stuck with my bound wrists. 

We separated instead, both of us panting. 

“But, um…” she withdrew into her throne a little more, “I kind of need to… you know.”

And she waved the bundle and nodded behind herself. 

“Yes, Miss,” I smiled. 

“Okay, look, head down and we will get through this,” she nodded, “I’ll be right back.”

“Yes, Miss,” I lowered my head as Astrid stood, straightened her skirt, and strode to the curtain. 

I couldn’t make out what she said there but she soon returned with a small crowd of people shuffling behind her. 

“Girl,” Astrid said more imperiously as she came close, “Stand up.”

“Yes, Miss,” I obeyed.

“You have been accepted back into my care,” Astrid said, “but in order to do so, there is the matter of discipline.” 

“Yes, Miss,” I tried to speak and stand steadily.

“Do you accept to be birched and sign your contract with me, of your own free will, before these witnesses?”

“Yes, Miss, I do.”

“And will you accept my collar, and wear it proudly?” Astrid’s voice seemed to give.

“Yes, Miss, I will, every day.”

I watched Astrid shift her weight.

“Girl… uh…,” she struggled, “Would you be my girl?”

“Yes, Miss, whole-heartedly, and unreservedly.”

Astrid paused. 

“Well, fuck.”

Astrid paused again, and for an awful moment I worried something was terribly wrong.

“Look up girl.” 

I raised my eyes and saw Jane and Tara grinning broadly behind Astrid and then Andy too, in glorious drag. 

I swivelled my head to catch Caroline and David too alongside Lilith with someone I presumed was her girlfriend. 

I then saw Penny held firmly next to Road Rash. With Jen smirking too. 

“Miss!” I screamed at her and she looked away guiltily. 

“Mind your manners, Kitty, you’re still in the ceremony,” Jen teased. 

“Oh fu…” I almost swore at Jen but laughed when she guffawed and waved me back to Astrid. 

“Then I accept you, Kitty, with all my heart,” Astrid said quickly, tears rolling again. 

I smiled through my own snotty crying.

“Now,” she croaked and motioned to the horse standing just by the side of us, “Bend over.”

Astrid

Caroline didn’t spank me. 

Instead, she sat me down with a pot of tea and her Sunday best crockery. 

“She told me what happened,” Caroline explained as she poured herself a second cup and lit up, “about the dinner and what she said after.”

I sat in silence, seething and raw.

“And she told me what she said about the money and how you both live your lives.”

“She’s ashamed of me, mum,” my lungs seemed to actually hurt. 

Caroline looked at me over her cigarette, smoke curling around her head. 

“Right now, I’d say she was more ashamed of herself.”

I couldn’t meet her eyes. 

I couldn’t accept how small I felt just then.

“She shouted at the Doctor woman,” Caroline took a drag nonchalantly. 

I looked up in shock. 

“Right in the middle of her department. Apparently she called her a ‘fucking unbelievable fuck’ and a judgemental snob. Not the most creative I grant you, but points for spontaneity.”

I looked down at the tea cup, with no idea how to begin feeling about any of it. 

“Does that change anything?” I avoided a choice of emotion.

I looked up at Caroline still staring at me through heavy-lidded eyes. 

“I don’t know, darling, does it?”

“Is she any less ashamed of me?” I asked back.

“I can’t answer that sweetie,” Caroline sighed and tapped out some ash, “but she did come to me, begging for help.”

I wanted to call Kitty. 

And then I knew I just couldn’t. 

“How can I trust her?” I asked, desperately. 

“The way you trust anyone,” Caroline sniffed, “You choose to put your faith in them, and hope you were right.”

I looked at Caroline blankly.

“What?” she scrunched her nose at me, “Did you expect otherworldly words of wisdom? I’m not fucking Yoda.”

I opened my mouth, but couldn’t say anything. 

I wanted to laugh at the cruel absurdity or argue. 

“Close your mouth, Astrid, you'll catch flies,” Caroline stubbed out her cigarette, drew another, and lit it. 

I closed my mouth.

“Is she an ignorant middle-class baby-dyke trying to find her way on very wobbly legs?” she asked, “No doubt. Does she need to get over some very silly ideas someone stuck in her head growing up? For sure. Did she hurt you? Well… that’s plain to see.”

Caroline paused, “What I’m saying is, she’s obviously a work-in-progress.”

Caroline flicked ash into her saucer and looked down. 

“So, you have a choice,” she explained, “You can take her on again, set your rules, and see if she proves your trust was well-placed. Or you can step back and protect yourself.”

Caroline leaned back in her chair. 

“I’d understand either way. Truly, I would,” she confided, “I’ve known you a long time now. I can’t stand to see you hurt. And I wanted to slap that girl good and proper when Jen told me what she’d said to you.”

Caroline paused again. 

“But I’ve also seen you turtle up in your shell and hide from anyone who loves you for just too long now.”

She looked me up and down. 

“And I have to say, I’m not sure I have seen a more natural submissive, who is definitely in need of a firm hand,” Caroline concluded with a smoky exhale, “but she does seem to be learning, if slowly.”

I looked down at my tea gone cold. 

“I… ah…,” my chest gave, “I don’t want to lose her, mum.”

And as I said it, tears tumbled. 

And as if on cue, David strolled into the kitchen with a bag full of shopping, and stopped at the door. 

“Give us a minute, would you, love?” Caroline asked softly. 

“No,” I whispered, “Please let him stay… I… I need to plan for Friday.”

I pretty much decided then. 

But I needed to believe I was still holding out. 

Though of course, every plan I made with the family that day and after, clearly contradicted that. 

I asked Caroline if David could come to support me, whatever I decided. 

They agreed immediately and Caroline said she had been in touch with Road Rash already. 

Rash planned to empty the club on Friday. 

I insisted they didn’t need to but Caroline glared at me.

I went to Jen next and asked if she would come too, as my second, so to speak.

“You’re not going into a fucking duel, Astrid.”

“C’mon Jen, you know what I mean,” I implored, “I don’t know how it’s going to go, and I need you there, please.”

“Hmmm,” she considered me. 

“Maid, more wine!” she called out, and her maid shuffled over with a bottle. 

Now I had a good look at him, I had to admit, he was kind of adorable. 

He seemed to be an older man, but looked like he worked out from what I could see of his arms peeking out from the short frilly black vinyl dress and white apron Jen had him in. 

I waved him away from my still half full glass when he was done with Jen. 

“Now, piss off and clean the kitchen,” Jen growled, ”And you’d better do a good job or I’ll cut your balls off this time.”

“Yes Madam,” he smiled, curtseyed, and quickly stepped away. 

“Isn’t he a dear,” Jen proposed, “What was I saying? Oh yes… Well, alright, I’ll go.”

“Thank you, Jen,” I was relieved.

“On one condition,” she added, and I looked at her quizzically, “You need to invite her family too.”

“Jen… I really don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why? You’ll have all of us there. Oh and PS you need to invite Lilith… um… and her girl. She’s sweet, you’ll love her.” 

“It’s not the ball of the season, Jen,” I complained.

“Astrid,” Jen leaned forward, more seriously, “You’ve asked us, your family to be there, which means your whole family. And if we’re coming, it’s only fair Kitty has hers. To be there for her.”

“But I don’t know what I’m going to say yet. What if I say no in front of them?”

“Really?” Jen withered, “Oh for fuck’s sake Astrid, fine. _Either way…_ it would be good for them to be there. To support and witness her.”

“Kitty’s not supposed to know who’s in the room,” I argued weakly. 

“Then ask them to keep it quiet,” she answered, “Make it clear it’s important.”

“I… I’m not sure what I would say,” I admitted. 

“I could do it, if you like?” Jen looked at me kindly, “I do know this is hard. I know you have a lot to think about.”

She was serious in both her insistence on Kitty’s family and her offer to help. 

Jen really was the best sister I could have ever asked for. 

“No,” I sighed, “I should do it.”

It still took me a day to make the call. 

I finally rang the landline, prepared to hang up if Kitty answered. 

Thankfully, it was Jane’s voice instead, ”Hello?” 

“Um… hi, it’s Astrid,” I mumbled. 

“Oh! I’ll get Kitty,” Jane said brightly.

“No! I mean, please, don’t,” I asked quickly, “Actually… I was hoping to talk with you. And I kind of would like you not to tell Kitty I called.”

“Umm…” she replied, warily, “Okay, but what do you want?”

“I… uh… I’m calling to ask if you would please come to Loose Lips on Friday,” I trembled. 

“For Kitty’s ceremony?”

“Ah,” I confessed, “Yes, actually.”

“Certainly,” came her immediate response, “I mean, I was desperate to be there as it was, but Kitty said part of the rules were was she wasn’t allowed to know… oh… I get it.”

“Yes.” 

“That’s why I can’t tell her?”

“It’s kind of a big part of it. Um… It’s… important.”

“I know,” Jane said to my surprise, “Kitty was telling me.”

I didn’t know what to say.

“She said it was important she do everything exactly right, and it was important she respect the ceremony, no matter what… you decide.”

“Um.. yes,” I answered, shaky, “So… uh… would you please also ask the others too? I know how important you, Tara, and Andy are to her.”

“Of course… um… But Andy is… Well… Actually, no. I know just the thing he’s been dying to wear,” 

Jane confused me. 

I decided not to question it and just be grateful the call wasn’t more difficult.

“Please tell them not to say anything to Kitty either.”

“I will,” Jane paused, “She loves you, you know that right?”

I couldn’t speak.

“I know this is important, and I get it. She told me what happened. I understand. I think. But… I also just sat and listened to her write her letter to you.”

I opened my mouth but still couldn’t find the words.

“So, I’m not sure how to say this… I’m not her lawyer… I’m her friend,” she muddled through, “But… I’m asking you not to break her heart.”

“I’m going to say yes,” I blurted out and immediately regretted it, “Fuck! I shouldn’t have said that… I…”

“I won’t tell her,” Jane said simply, “But, I’m really happy.”

“You won’t tell her?” I asked, shocked and about to weep yet again. 

“No, I won’t,” she said simply, “I don’t understand this ritual, but I think I understand what it’s supposed to do. She needs this. I can see that. I’ve seen it since she met you. She’s different. She’s changing. She was always so timid and frightened. She’s been happy. More confident. Prouder.”

I was speechless again.

“I’m glad you’re not giving up on her. And I’ll be proud to watch her go through this with you.”

“Thank you, Jane,” I answered unreservedly.

“You’re welcome,” she said, “And uh… sorry for being… a cunt before.”

I was taken aback.

“Um… okay, um… no worries?”

“Good,” she replied with a happy sigh, “Is there anything we should bring or do?”

“Oh,” I tried to change track, “No, just, well, it’s a formal occasion, so perhaps dress with that in mind?”

“Absolutely.”

“And… oh…” I added sheepishly, “Um… if all goes well, I’m supposed to… that is… I’m supposed to thrash her arse with a birch at the end. It’s to consummate the relationship so to speak, and symbolise discipline and devotion.”

There was silence from the other end.

“That is to say, it’s tradition anyone there should witness the whole ceremony,” I flushed, “I mean, would you have a… problem with that, seeing Kitty… whipped?”

“Oh, fuck no,” came Jane’s enthusiastic reply and I was once again shocked.

After I hung up with her, I mulled what I had said. 

Of course, I wanted Kitty back. 

I had wanted it the second I left her on the bus. 

I had been frightened how much I wanted it, terrified I would overlook any indiscretion because I did want it so badly. 

And I had wanted it more still when Caroline said she had taken Kitty on for me. 

But also when Caroline said it, I had a flash of Anne going to Sharon. 

Which was ludicrous. 

Caroline was doing this for me. 

For us. 

And it all clicked as I thought of that. 

I let my shoulders drop and I realised I had surrendered, and had admit this was real and true. 

Caroline was there for me. 

So was Jen. 

And Kitty wanted to be too. 

And then I wanted Friday to come as soon as possible. 

I had become terrified it might go wrong, or Kitty would change her mind. 

That’s how both families ended up there. 

Road Rash cancelled Lips that night and made the place available to us. 

She asked if Penny could maid, and I answered of course. Penny and Rash were both practically family as it was. Especially given that Penny had been Caroline’s for a while, and Rash was my fairy god-butch. 

I got there early and waited downstairs, wishing for once, we didn’t have a dry bar. 

It was cold in the basement, but I was still sweating and cursing my decision to wear a white blouse. 

I fanned myself at the bar and finished my second Virgin Mary. I decided against a third, fearing I would need to pee in the middle of the proceedings, so crunched nervously on yet more celery instead. 

Rash clomped down the stairs to say the others had arrived and asked where I wanted to be. 

She asked so kindly, I realised she must have figured the state I was in. 

I didn’t want to talk to anyone before the start so asked to sit in the playroom. 

Rash led me in and I saw how she and Penny had transformed it. 

Furniture that was usually spaced out throughout the room had been moved to the sides or otherwise put away neatly. The throne had been moved into the middle of the room with a small red mat placed in front of it. Chain hung from the hook-up point in the ceiling, and a pair of cuffs secured to the floor. 

Nearby stood our horse, a birch resting in a vase of brine next to it and the contract lying on top. The overhead lights were off, but the room glowed from dozens of candles in bottles, candlesticks, and candelabras placed all through the space.  

“Thank you, Rash,” I marvelled, “I don’t know what to say.”

“Worth it,” she grumbled. 

Rash retreated to the bar and I heard footsteps and chatting coming down the stairs. 

I was alone then. 

I tried to take it all in, for a moment free from the anxiety. 

The effort they had gone to touched me deeply.

I was woken from my thoughts by shuffling from behind the curtain and the volume of chatter lowering. 

I jogged to the throne and sat down. 

It faced away from the curtain so I didn’t see Kitty being led in until Caroline brought her around the front of me. 

And fuck, she was glorious and my jaw dropped as Caroline turned her to face me.

Caroline noticed my expression, smirked, and shook her head in mock resignation. 

She lined Kitty up and quickly attached her to the chain and ground. 

Kitty stood before me, I couldn’t tear my eyes off her, even as Caroline had our families surround us in a ring. 

When I did manage to look elsewhere, I saw them all, standing there, smiling at us. 

I couldn’t begin to put words to how it felt. To be held like that. To be seen like that. 

My attention was finally wrenched away by Caroline’s speech and my heart leapt into my throat, my palms sweaty where they rested on the throne’s armrests. 

Jen grinned at me inanely, standing directly behind Kitty in her plunging black evening dress, which looked like it would spring loose her tits any second. 

David caught my eye and smiled warmly as he stood next to Lilith like a proud father. 

Despite noticing the exchanges Caroline held her tone and expression neutral, as she asked if I would receive Kitty’s entreaty. 

I almost couldn’t answer from the lump in my throat and tears that were already flowing freely. 

But I did. 

And it was the most moving experience of my life. 

Later, I would hear everyone else cried through her speech too. 

And it was all I could do not to sweep her up off the floor and hold her every second she gave it. 

When she was done and I could finally tell her I desperately wanted her back, I grew nervous all over again. 

The contract I truly wanted was so much more than the simple conference of ownership I had drawn up for the evening. 

I had no idea if she would accept what I really wanted for us. 

And suddenly I felt like I was entreating her. 

I wanted to give her a strict contract, have her close, not because I didn’t trust her but because I just wanted her. 

With me. 

All the time. 

When she accepted me, my heart burst and I couldn’t help breaking protocol to kiss her right there and then. 

When I managed to comport myself, I jogged to the curtain to see our families huddled together like a rugby scrum, waiting to be let back in, probably trying to listen in on us too. 

My suspicions were confirmed when I saw Caroline’s raised eyebrow as I trotted up. 

“Naughty girl.” she remarked with a sidelong smile, “We’ll talk about it later. But come on, get us in there so we can pop the corks on the not-champagne.” 

I blushed furiously as I led them all back into the playroom, but tried to hide it as I sat back down to have Kitty answer me formally.

But I failed spectacularly to keep it together and just had to show Kitty who was there. 

She was mortified, and for a moment I thought she might have launched at them or me. 

In the end, it wasn’t the hardest birching I could have given her. 

I knew Caroline would have my arse if I didn’t do it properly, but I didn’t quite feel like putting my whole arm into it. 

Apparently, it was firm enough though, because Kitty hollered up a storm before I was done. 

When I released her from the horse, I held her close with her sweaty forehead on my chest and 

Caroline pronounced the ceremony and Kitty and I bonded. 

Caroline congratulated us to applause, before whispering in my ear, “And I expect to see you Sunday before lunch for the hiding you earned yourself with that kiss.”

I might have gone pale when I looked at Caroline, but she was smiling from ear to ear. 

“It’s up to you whether you bring Kitty to witness,” she offered with a wink.

“Yes, my Lady,” was all I could think to say, as Kitty looked up at us confused with very tired eyes.

Caroline

Kitty made me think of my own upbringing, fucked up in its mundanity as it was. Middle-class parents desperate to raise middle-class children to be nothing but ordinary in their exceptionless-ness. 

It took me years living on the breadline to realise how terrified dearest mater and pater must have been. How every little thing they did was always driven by fear. Fear of being exposed or expelled from polite society.

And like my parents had done to me, I could see what Kitty’s had done to her.

I saw it the first time she walked into the Hearth, all nerves and etiquette. 

Astrid couldn’t see it. 

She had her own terror of course. 

Terror instilled by parents who equally acted out of fear, if in a different way. 

One drunken night, years prior, Astrid told me about her strung-out mum, who despite all the fucked up things her drug addicted husband did, still desperately tried to maintain the air of working class civility. 

So much so, that when Astrid was caught kissing a girl, that was the most scandalous thing any member of their family had ever done.

Astrid was a mess when she came to the co-op. Angry and sad. Fierce and proud. Terrified of being left. 

And here they both were, fucked up together. 

Fuck knows if they could pull it off. 

Or if it would implode again the very next day. 

But it had been a beautiful ceremony. 

And I couldn’t have been a prouder mother of the brides. 

I gave Astrid a tap on her arse with a spatula when she came over for Sunday Lunch. 

To her credit, she brought Kitty along with her to witness. 

I was proud of her again, showing that side of herself to Kitty. 

It was a raucous roast when everyone else showed up and as much as I complained, I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Astrid sat close to Kitty the whole time. And Kitty didn’t seem quite so shy for a change. 

They had so much ahead of them. 

I found myself hoping I could be there for all of it. To see how it all turned out.