Chapter 16

Kitty

I hadn’t known the meaning of the phrase “blinding pain” until the cane exploded for the first time. 

I had bent over the seat of the stool, my arms and the tails of the bow hanging in front of me. My already short breath was compressed by the hard seat. I tried to imagine what it could possibly be like, to get the cane. My nerves almost got the better of me when Astrid drew the skirt up over my back and pulled down my underwear. 

In the weeks prior, I’d walked around her flat naked in leather restraints, she had spanked my fully naked arse multiple times, and we had fucked every way I could imagine, completely nude and in other states of semi-dress. But this was what made me feel exposed. Prostrate, dressed down, the cool air playing on my bare bottom. 

”You will count out loud each stroke.”

“Yes, Miss,” my mind tilted. 

The cane she had been resting against my backside lifted, lingered in the air, and came down with a fierce whistle and crack. 

For the briefest moment, I didn’t feel anything. A microsecond of confused surprise later, piercing, white hot, pain detonated in a straight line across my bottom. My breath burst out of me and it took every ounce of me not to jump up out of my skin. 

I managed to count out the first stroke and what little consciousness I had left screamed there was absolutely no way I could take even one more like that. That thought was obliterated by the fall of the second stroke which scorched just below the first. I screeched and my knees buckled. I grit my teeth, and tears welled, as I willed myself to stay put. 

I counted out again and the third stroke quickly followed, yanking a scream from me and I started to sob. Unlike the tawse or Astrid’s hand, which built up pain but faded relatively quickly, the cane strokes just kept roaring even as another fell to join them, layering the torment. 

I wept, tears ran down my face and fell to the floor. I was profoundly sorry, my brain entirely incapable of processing anything else. 

I counted the stroke and Astrid brought down the fourth. I screamed again, bucking upwards, catching myself only by grabbing at the legs of the stool. I couldn’t help squirming though, or raising my legs, as I fought to keep myself still. 

My voice gave out when I counted, and I feared it might fail entirely when the cane seared the very top of the backs of my thighs. My legs gave out and I started to shiver. 

I managed to get out the count but was decimated by the final stroke which whipped across all of the others. My chest fractured with a screech. 

I stomped and held on for dear life. I bit down hard and willed the pain to fade, but it blazed on. I had no idea how long I lay there, before an urgent, distant, part of my mind managed to scream at me to finish the count. 

Once I had, I hung limply over the stool. She didn’t touch me, nor came close. 

She ordered me to stand and I’m not quite sure how I did. Stiff and unsteady, I forced myself to my feet and she ordered me into the corner again. 

Once there, I put my hands on my head and stood, legs shaking, feeling like they would give any second. 

I didn’t have words or thoughts. 

I just wept, my chest heaving. 

My backside was on fire and I couldn’t reach down to soothe it.

It was the opposite of when Astrid would spank me over her knee. There was an immediate closeness to that. 

Punished, I had to stand alone.

But I wasn’t sure I could have handled being held in that moment. 

What I understood earlier was true, I needed this. 

I needed all of it. 

I yearned for it. 

I had to weep and cry. 

And after, I was ashamed, but I was also released. 

Astrid’s gaze burned into me. 

’But I felt something else. 

I barely remembered Astrid having me come to her and thank her for punishing me. 

Which I did, with all my heart. 

I felt the guilt easing as I did and the quality of my tears changed. 

Then I was in her arms. 

She grabbed and clung to me. 

I wept on her shoulder, buried my head and held on for dear life. 

I never wanted her to let go. 

I wanted to scream again but this time for something else. 

I couldn’t comprehend what. 

Astrid’s words from the club rang in my heard, I am Her good girl, I am Her proud and very good girl.

She led me to the bed and undressed me so carefully, I was moved to my core. 

My brain was still on complete tilt, and something brewed in my chest. 

A different aching need. 

As she caressed my face, I could feel it rise further, tightening in my throat. 

She curled my hair behind my ear, a touch so sweet it made my heart hurt, before she laid me carefully on the bed. 

I watched her undress, moving so gracefully. 

The glow that had been building was fit to burst as she came to stand before me, naked and open. 

All I could see was the woman I loved. 

And before I could think anything more, I said it out loud. 

Astrid

“Don’t say that,” I heard myself say, scared or even angry, “If it’s just because you feel better from your punishment.”

Kitty propped herself up painfully. 

My breath caught in my chest. 

She looked up at me, then to the side as if considering what I had said, and then looked back to me. 

“I’m not,” she said, completely calm.

I stepped back. I couldn’t take it in. 

I felt like I’d been punched. 

I wanted to run from her, when a second prior I longed to hold her forever. 

What the fucking hell did she think she was doing?!

“Don’t you say that to me,” tears welled in my wide open eyes.

She lifted herself up and gasped as her backside grazed the bed. 

I reached forward but then held back. 

She stood shakily. 

“I love you, Miss,” she repeated. 

My face contorted and I thought I might scream at her. But just then Kitty’s legs buckled and I bolted forward to catch her. 

She was breathing heavily, splayed in my arms, as I knelt on the floor under her weight, hanging onto her. 

She looked right into my eyes. 

“I love you, Miss,” she said again. 

I turned away, trying to look at anything else. 

“Fuck, Kitty,” I bit back a tidal wave. 

I was hurt.

I was scared.

I was shocked. 

Terrified. 

I looked into her eyes, searching for duplicity. 

For ignorance. 

For misplaced infatuation. 

For an endorphin high. 

All I could see looking back at me was Kitty. 

“I love you too,” I whispered.

My tears flowed freely. 

My lips quivered, and my arms ached. 

I was so defeated and I couldn’t withhold it any longer. 

I couldn’t keep strong. 

My arms shook, as my muscles gave. 

Kitty pulled her legs under herself to kneel and gasped again as she leaned back but still held 

onto me. 

I lost it. 

I cried and cried into her shoulder. 

The dam on my terror burst and I surrendered to her. 

****

We held onto each other for a long time, love and terror churning in my chest. 

What the fuck had just happened? 

What did I just say? 

It was true though. 

I loved Kitty. 

And I had known I did for a while. 

But I hadn’t dared to touch the feeling. 

To even consider it. 

After what happened with Anne. 

But Kitty wasn’t Anne. 

And yet, she disobeyed me.

And it had terrified me. 

Fuck. 

Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. 

What have I done?

“Can we get up please, Miss?” Kitty murmured.

“Oh, shit,” I scrambled to manoeuvre out of the knot of limbs we had gotten into, “Just a sec.”

After our revelations to each other, my contortions to get up seemed almost comically mundane. 

I managed to rise and offered Kitty my hands. 

She took them and I pulled her up as she sucked in her breath sharply from the pain. 

I got her onto the bed as gently as I could.

Her arse must be still aflame. 

“Turn over, girl,” I found my stride again just a little, going into protective-Mistress-mode. 

“Yes, Miss,” she rolled onto her stomach. 

I could see the tram lines, still burning bright red. 

I winced. 

Those would smart for a good long while. 

I sat next to her on the bed and caressed her backside gently.

She turned her head to look at me, her expression soft. 

This was all too fucking much. 

“I think…” I croaked, swallowed, and tried again, “I think you had better sleep on your stomach tonight, darling.”

“Yes, Miss,” she exhaled as I continued to caress, feeling the heat and ridges of the marks I had made. 

I wanted to say more. 

I wanted to explain myself. 

Maybe ask her again and again if she had meant it. 

I opened my mouth to try to speak but closed it again.

“Lay with me, Miss?” Kitty broke my spiral.

“Of course,” I lay carefully next to her on my side, so I could look into her eyes. 

“Um…” I tried to speak again.

Kitty reached over, curled up in my arms, closed her eyes, and seemed utterly at peace. 

Perhaps I could take my reassurance from that?

I shook my head and lay it on top of hers. 

“Please just be here with me, Miss,” Kitty whispered. 

Her plea drained the last of my will. 

I closed my eyes, and as I let go, I matched her breath.

*** 

We slept like that until blinding light streamed in from the window, the curtains of which I had managed not to draw yet again. 

I squinted as I looked up to see what time it was. 

In my tangle with Kitty I couldn’t twist around to see the clock, but my attempt stirred her.

“Is it morning, Miss?” she squinted with one eye. 

“Shh, yes, but we have the day, remember? You can sleep in.” 

She nodded, closed her eye again, and promptly fell back asleep. 

I knew I was too awake to do the same. 

The fear from the previous night had come back with the morning. 

I extracted myself from Kitty and covered her in the blanket, pausing to look at the marks that had very much set in on her bottom. 

I was starting to feel properly awful.

I took the mobile and went into the kitchen. 

The clock display read 7:13 and I wondered if it was late enough to call Jen. 

She was usually up early enough on weekdays, especially if she had clients. 

I chanced it.

“Good morning, sunshine!” Jen greeted after a few rings, “It’s a bit early for you, I thought you were taking the day off?”

“I am,” I answered, “Couldn’t sleep more.”

“Uh huh,” came her measured reply, “I take it that has something to do with your wayward girl?”

“Yes,” I said, “Well… sort of.”

“Oh yes?” 

“I punished her.” 

“Obviously,” Jen answered with a sigh, “And I know you don’t enjoy doing that.”

“No, I don’t. And I’m starting to worry she might need more breaking in.”

“You know that isn’t as terrible a thing as you think it is?”

“For you maybe,” I replied exasperated, “How do you do it? Cane a girl and scold her into a blubbering mess without feeling like a gigantic arse?”

“In my case, with a Masters degree.”

“You and your fucking diplomas.”

“Counsellor and Disciplinarian with honours, please.”

“Sorry, Counsellor and Disciplinarian.” 

“Thank you.”

“Okay, _Counsellor_, tell me how to get over feeling awful about this?”

“It can be hard on the Dominants,” Jen was more serious, “But I imagine it was very good for Kitty?”

“Yes…” I admitted, starting to worry again, “It seems like it was.”

“I have no doubt,” Jen answered, “I’ve seen you punish a girl, remember? You have a talent for it. You should work with me again sometime.”

“Hmmmm” I didn’t commit. 

“Astrid, you’re a Dominant, through and through, and you demand obedience, which means you also need to be a disciplinarian. Be firm, be strict, and be consistent. Be severe but be kind. Punish Kitty when she needs it, as often and every time she does. It’s your service to her. This is the exchange. This is how you serve her.”

I couldn’t fault Jen’s logic. 

Kitty had come out of her caning serene, soft and sweet, obedient… and loving.

“Well… okay,” I conceded. 

“It’s good advice, you should take it.”

“Yes ma’am,” I was surly and frustrated.

“Watch that cheeky mouth, Astrid, or your counsellor will slap it for you,” Jen said with an audible grin.

I snorted, “Oh, fuck Jen, I do love you.”

“I love you too, spanky.”

I grunted and grew silent, not sure what to say next. 

“Astrid,” Jen asked, ever perceptive, “What’s bothering you? Is it really that you had to cane Kitty?”

“Yes,” I answered too quickly, but then sighed, “Actually no, not really.”

“Well, fucking out with it,” Jen insisted, not really exasperated. 

“Kitty… afterwards…” I started.

“Yes?”

“She said she loved me.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah,” I raised a hand to my forehead. 

“So you did a really good job caning her then?”

“Jen!” I exclaimed and then tried to be quieter, “It wasn’t like that… at least she said it wasn’t.”

“Fuck, Astrid, you really are dense.”

“Jesus, Jen, what the fuck are you on about?”

“You honestly think she only said that because you caned her into submission?”

I said nothing.

“Fucking hell, Astrid,” Jen exhaled, “The girl is obviously wildly in love with you, we all saw it.”

“What? Who?”

“The family. Me,” Jen explained as if I were five, “We talked about it after you left. Kitty’s head over heels. Why do you think she felt so awful breaking your curfew? She was devastated the whole dinner, and couldn’t stop looking at you with those big brown eyes.”

I couldn’t say anything. 

“And you?” Jen asked.

“And me, what?”

“You love her too, don’t you?”

I paused. 

“You do, though?” Jen persisted

“Yes,” I whispered. 

“Louder for the back of the room,” Jen taunted.

“Yes, alright, I’m fucking in love with her. After just a month, I’ve taken her on as my girl, disciplined her, and fallen fucking in love with her. Are you happy?”

“Actually, yes I am.”

I seethed. 

Jen carried on regardless, “What Caroline said was true, it’s been way too long. Anne wiped you the fuck out, but it’s time. And it’s Kitty.” 

I grunted.

“I know, I know,” Jen mocked, “Big bad Astrid, all out of love. And now right back in.”

I shook my head and let out a heavy sigh. 

“Stop that right now!” Jen ordered, “You are going to enjoy this, if it fucking kills you. And you are going to be piss annoying about how love-dovey, delicious it all is, and be generally insufferable. And you’re going to adore it, I fucking insist. Jesus, Astrid… be happy. The girl loves you. And you love the girl. It’s fucking marvellous, for cunt’s sake.”

I snorted a laugh. 

“Where’s she now?”

“In bed, sleeping off her thrashing.”

“You shame her?”

“Yes,” I answered, “a bit.”

She sighed.

“Come on, Jen,” I implored.

“Oh, you know me, shame them into a weeping mess, I say, then give them a dozen of the cane and shame them some more.”

“I’m not you, Jen.”

“More’s the pity,” she laughed, “Go back to bed and be with your girl, you big softie.”

I laughed at that and felt lighter. 

“But if you change your mind, just send her over and I’ll help make sure she knows her place,” Jen offered, “No charge, family discount.”

“You’re too kind,” I withered. 

“Aren’t I though?” she chuckled, “Now fuck off and I’ll see you two for brunch?”

“Yes, indeed.”

“You can come here for a change, I’ll poach eggs.”

“Oooo, fancy,” I cooed. 

“Too fucking right I am,” she grunted, “But ta for now, Mistress.”

“Bye, Jen,” I groaned and hung up. 

Kitty was still fast asleep by the time I returned to the bedroom with two mugs of tea. 

I put them down on my side of the bed and slid in carefully next to her, so as not to wake her. 

I sipped my tea, but quickly gave it up to lie down properly and nuzzle close to my girl instead.