Agony Aunt Jen's Column
December 17th
Dear Auntie Jen,
I was recently consensually flogged by my despicably mean and entirely unfair - also grumpy - Domme, for something I totally did on purpose and don't for a moment regret. What can I do about the pain in my arse?
Love and hugs,
Penny
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Dear Penny,
Whom I have never met and has managed to send a letter in for the first edition of my advice column despite my not having advertised it… I have no doubt you deserved every stroke you received from your wise, generous, and, above all, even-handed and attractive Domme.
Presuming you mean the literal pain in your bottom, I recommend Arnica cream if you need to manage some of the firmer lessons laid into your petulant backside. Or if you absolutely must sit without causing a racket and disturbing passers by, an inflatable pillow should work.
If on the other hand, you meant to imply that your most benevolent Mistress was somehow a metaphorical pain in your bottom, you just wait until Friday, little madam, when I get my hands on you again.
I hope that helps, darling Penny!
Love you.
Toodles.
Auntie Jen
December 24th
Dear Auntie Jen,
'Tis the season, but we've had a bit of a lean year at the Hearth and have a lot of darling queers to feed, so can't afford to get a yuletide tree as well as a roast and presents (everyone's getting a stout wooden spoon, hand-engraved with a useful lesson - you know how I am, dear).
How can we save our Christmas cheer?
Love,
Caroline (your queer mother).
P.S. Luncheon is at 1, don't be late or we'll have words, young lady.
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Dear Caroline (mother dearest),
That is a pickle. But I dare say, who needs a tree when you have an eager and dutiful submissive to hand. Simply pluck one of the taller ones, wrap them up like a particularly tall gift with plenty of twine, but leave some extremities exposed to hang tinsel, decorations, and string lights on.
Stick them in the corner and tape a star to their head. They will be very eager to serve.
Oh, and if you haven't enough baubles, you could apply one of those stout wooden spoons at strategic places to make pretty round patterns. Do bear in mind, you may need to maintain those throughout the night. But I know that won't be a hardship for you, dear mater of the firm but fair disposition.
See you, on time of course, and can't wait to see Gary all tied up and sparkling in the corner.
Love, your daughter,
Auntie Jen.
December 31st
Dear Auntie Jen,
I don’t have a partner at the moment, so it is no hardship to work the door on New Year’s Eve at a very nice little naughty club nearby. But I'm worried I won’t have anyone to kiss when the clock strikes 12. What can I do?
Love,
Ally, the butch in leather taking the coats in the cloakroom.
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Dear Ally,
Oh you are doing the goddess’ work, making sure darling perverts aren’t left out in the cold and can come into a warm sweaty club for the evening. I, for one, quite sincerely know how grateful a community can be for such a thing at this time of year.
But I understand your predicament.
Some will say service is it's own reward. I say, one should always state one's wishes clearly. So, I recommend making yourself a little sign that you can place on the table where you are toiling for the eve - or better yet, you can wear around your neck on a string - that states your enthusiastic availability for a snog.
Now, I understand if you are shy and don't fancy a kiss on the lips. And perhaps, that is even tricky to negotiate with some people you might have only just met. So, you could instead offer to kiss someone's foot, stiletto heel, or even kindly presented arse-cheek.
I for one, would like nothing less than to have a lovely butch in leathers hang my outer garments and then grovel at my feet whilst she kisses my patents and I grind my heel into her ne.... but that's me.
Actually, where did you say you were going to be working on New Year's?
Love,
Auntie Jen (see you at midnight, Ally, and don't forget to bring chapstick)
January 7th
Dear Auntie Jen,
I am a Domme with a new but very eager and cheerful submissive who is just chomping at the bit. Or she would be if I had a bit to put into her cheeky little gob. We don’t have a naughty shop near us nor a saddler. What is a girl to do with a mouthy little madam and no gag to hand?
Lilith
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Dear Lilith,
Having yourself a new and seemingly verbose - or at least noisy - thing that needs a good stuffing can be both a delightful opportunity and sticky predicament, to be sure.
In such situations, I like to think of myself as a kink improvisor. I don’t mean in the sense of, shout out a location and an improbable object and I will immediately swing into an amusing scene for your delectation - on the other hand, I most certainly can do just that. Rather, I mean I like to make use of what is around me, household objects and willing subs alike.
In your case, an improvised gob-stopper can be fashioned from tights and a pair of underwear. For giggles, I rather enjoy using the sub’s own garments to this effect. The gag in this case is soft, unlikely to pinch, and just has that delicious quality of a quite little dressing down before you make the dear seen but not heard.
Remember to always have a safety gesture when a girl can’t be heard. It can be anything from dropping something noisy held in the hand or a finger gesture - anything but the middle one. I can’t abide someone I am being terribly naughty to being rude.
Hope that helps and have lots of muffled fun,
Auntie Jen.
January 14th
Dear Auntie Jen,
I have recently taken on my delightfully cheeky miss as a submissive and one of her deepest heart’s desires is to be dominated wherever we might be. Home, bus, post office, etc. How can I serve her longings without worrying the ordinaries?
Love,
Meredith (sometimes Mica behind the bar)
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Dear Meredith,
I find that public acts of dominance and submission are like comedy. It's all about timing and should be amusing for all involved.
There are some who would argue that these things are private and should never be expressed with others around, who haven't agreed to see it. And I have some sympathy for that argument. On the other hand, as a confirmed sapphic, I have to nonconsensually see the straights kissing, hugging, and touching each others bottoms, wherever I may saunter fashionably along. None of their mashings appeals in the slightest, but I don't begrudge them doing it.
Much.
So if you think seeing a cloying couple call each other "honey-bunch," is equivalent to having your darling call you "Mistress," then I say have at it. If you think whipping her into a screaming mess of ecstasy is equivalent to the missionary position being conducted in the bedroom with the lights off, perhaps save it for the clubs.
And of course depending on where you are you might find, as I do, that walking your sub on a leash and calling them a naughty puppy might not cause an eyelash to bat in soho. But perhaps in Balgravia… on the other hand, maybe some of the poshos would appreciate it.
I'm sure you can figure it out with some common sense, but do also consider the joy the whispered words “just wait til I get you home” can bring.
Love,
Auntie Jen
January 21st
Dear Auntie Jen,
My darling likes to play out different roles when she submits. But as much as I would love to enact the strict mother superior with her, every time I try to, I get shy and just don't know what to say or do?
Please can you help a tongue-tied lady?
Love,
Becky
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Dear Becky,
Oh no! A domme's tongue should never be so bound, but rather must be free and clear to deliver a proper lashing.
Performance, like any art, is all about practice and being in the right frame of mind. I find that being dressed appropriately can make a character bound out. And having my underling decked out right can also very much do the trick. On the other hand, having them starkers whilst I stand over them in a three piece suit shouting at them for not completing their quarterly reports or some other such corporate nonsense, can also inspire any performance I should want to enact to punish their deliciously fictional indiscretion.
But if that doesn't do all of the trick, planning ahead can also really help. Noting down some key activities you want to do with them and perhaps practising some particular phrases or actions, can be really good preparation. Personally, I enjoy shouting, "You wretch of a Queen Victoria, do you call this a clean floor?" or "Did I say you could stop grovelling at my feet, your Holiness?!" as I do my day to day baking of cookies and wandering my abode, so I am set and ready for any interaction which would call for such admonishments.
Also, I believe it does entertain the neighbours.
I do hope that helps and you can enjoy rehearsals and the main event.
Love, Auntie Jen.
January 28th
Dear Auntie Jen,
I have the naughtiest sub in the world. And I love it. She is a fantastical brat.
I’m not sure if there’s a question there… I just felt like announcing it and the wedding section of the newspaper didn’t quite feel appropriate.
Love
Babs.
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Dear Babs,
Congratulations! I am so happy for you! Happy… err… coupling!
A delightful brat can be very the best thing in the world if that is what you are after. I can’t think of many things more heartwarming than seeing a domme take her beloved brat by the ear for a good seeing to after a particularly magnificent and forewarned indiscretion, and then see said brat prance off petulantly to earn herself another thrashing by doing the very same thing again, with her tongue stuck out for good measure.
As long as that’s what you’ve agreed to.
Like all things in our wonderful world, consent is everything. Including the consent to be thoroughly naughty. We “break the rules” but we never break the rules.
So to speak.
If a sub who is supposed to be the picture of obedience starts acting out on purpose, then that most certainly needs to be addressed.
But if your filthy little madam (who you have negotiated calling that beforehand) acts out of turn within agreed parameters, all I can say is hurrah and huzzah!
And where can I send the flowers and confetti? And a particularly swishy cane?
Love
Auntie Jen.
February 4th
Dear Auntie Jen,
I have two darling submissives but I am a kinkster on a budget. I can’t possibly afford the cuffs and whips to keep them both in line.
What can I do?
Charlotte.
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Dear Charlotte,
How delightful to have a pair like that! Congratulations!
I find it a personal delight when I have a two-fer, so to speak, is to play them off against each other. What I mean by that, is to lash them together with straps and then… well, lash them together with straps. If that makes sense?
But when one must be frugal, that can be a challenge. But never fear, because the kitchen is a kinkster's treasure trove. I find almost always all that I need in there to fashion safe bonds (a tea towel or apron ribbons for example), an implement of discipline (a butter paddle or a personal favourite, a stout wooden spoon), and of course there is always something interesting one can do with a hand whisk.
In short, don’t let the lack of pound sterling stop you from the consensual pounding your little triumvirate can get up to.
Wish you a jolly good time in the kitchen, but do be mindful to clean up before its time to bake. Or don’t.
Love
Auntie Jen
February 11th
Dear Auntie Jen,
I have just met a Domme and I am very excited for the relationship we have started! She is really strict, which I think I like. How can I learn to be the best submissive I can be for her?
Love what you do,
Daisy.
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Dear Daisy,
Congratulations! A new kink connection is like young love, almost always wild and often quite messy. So, it’s really important to always have a towel to hand, but even more so, to make sure you negotiate carefully so your enthusiasm is tempered by good boundaries as well as good firm bonds.
It is good that your Domme is strict. I myself employ a firm and thoroughly unfair hand. I find strictness can help set and maintain limits. You said you think you like that, which leads me to believe that perhaps there is some measure of newness to this sort of thing? In which case, please be especially mindful to express what it is you want too. The balance between your wishes and hers, I have no doubt, will lead you to becoming the very best submissive and Domme you both can be.
Apologies if this is a little more serious than my usual missives. So, dear Daisy and other fine readers, would you mind ever so thinking of something utterly filthy and wanton and imagine that it was I that gave you the idea as you stifle a snort of a giggle whilst reading this on the bus or more preferably in bed.
I wish you bon voyage and plenty of carefully agreed upon jovial misadventures.
Love,
Auntie Jen.
February 18th
Dear Auntie Jen,
My girl and I are about to celebrate three years together, but I fear things might get a little stale from my lack of imagination, with the same grind of having her kneel, beg, be whipped, and cuddled. I mean, I certainly still love it, but what can I do to spice it up a bit for her?
Yours, with
Faith
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Dear Faith,
I wish you a very happy anniversary indeed, which just so happens to be the leather anniversary, or so I am told by my dear mater, Caroline, who is a font of knowledge on such things along with her awareness of fine teas and perversion.
I empathise very much with your concern, but have you asked the darling girl if she is still satisfied? If she is happy with being flogged on the regular - and why would she not be, the lucky thing - then as the Americans say, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
On the other hand, an anniversary can also be the occasion for gifts, and with such a relevant theme this year, perhaps some new length of leather might do the trick to change things up? Perhaps something short and fierce, like a boot strap wrapped with ribbons? Or long and stingy, like a single-tail wrapped with ribbons?
The ribbons are extra but I do find they make a whipping festive. To mark the occasion. So to speak.
I myself enjoy kink with a good pun with my punishment (addendum: I apologise. It’s constant, I know.)
And if your girl does say she wouldn’t mind something a little outside the box, you could consider the myriad other things you can do whilst she is kneeling and begging for her strokes. A personal favourite involves a highly polished leather shoe, topped with whipped cream and a cherry.
Oooh! And if you put a candle on top of that, she could blow it out to celebrate your three years together, before you have her lick it clean and kick her arse with it.
Have fun!
Auntie Jen.
February 25th
Dear Auntie Jen,
My darling thing loves nothing more than to be bound head to toe and a gag stuffed in her gob. But I’m worried about how she might be able to communicate if things become an issue.
What can I do,
Gabby
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Dear Gabby,
That is a trick to be sure. I must admit I like nothing more than binding an eager dear thing on all fours, strapping their cheeky little mouth shut, placing a tray on their backs, and having a darling little tea party.
But communication is key! Even over Earl Grey, lemon-squares, and playfully slapping a squirming table-leg with a riding crop.
So, a trick can be to have them hold something in their hands that would be loud if dropped on the floor. This works well if you have them tied up over a table, acting as a cheeseboard, pin cushion, or candelabra.
If that doesn’t suit your particular arrangement, you could also make sure that they can hum something that you will hear clearly to give you signals. Something easy to remember and recognisable is best, because you may have blown their little minds with whatever delightful thing you are doing during their trussed predicament.
A personal favourite is “God Save the Queen.” In reference and respect to their personal monarch of the moment, of course.
Love, Auntie Jen
March 3rd
Dear Auntie Jen,
One of my significant others and I adore to be filthy little madams, but it’s hard because we both like to be on the bottom side of things rather than being in charge of the foray. We take it in turns, and it is all well and good, but it can be hard to navigate when all either of us really wants is to be on the sharp end of the stick.
Thank you,
Lauran
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Dear Lauran,
Oh you poor dears! What a pickle for you both when all you want is to be under the bootheel of the other!
It is lovely that you are such good servants that you seek to serve each other that way. It shows such care. And I am sure you could continue to attend to one another’s wishes to be trampled on so, but as you mentioned “one" of your significant others, dare I assume you might be open to the possibility of more ladies attending your tea party?
If that is the case, perhaps you might consider advertising yourselves as a pair of miscreants in desperate need of a tyrant who can handle a two-for-one? Imagine the delight of grovelling next to your beloved as both your faces are ground into the floor under the patent-leathers of another?
Personally, that little mental image will draw a happy enigmatic smile from me for the rest of the day as I go about my business, and passers by can only imagine what I must be thinking of.
Love, hugs, and playful consensual kick up the bottom,
Auntie Jen.
March 10th
Dear Autnie Jen,
My Mistress and I are about to travel and we are very keen to take our adventures with us. But how can we keep the bags light and unfussed by those who might check them at security?
Yours, looking forward to the sun,
Harriet
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Darling Harriet,
I do so love to take my hobbies on holiday! Like a good book, perhaps some needlepoint, and of course a variety of implements to inflict on friends old and new.
But one must be mindful of one’s precious tools. For example, if you are jetting off somewhere, be aware that those in charge of such things might get a touch upset if you pack devices that are especially pointy or restrain-y into places where they could be used on other passengers - even if they are enthusiastically willing.
Items that are soft and malleable for more intimate encounters, can generally be popped in a handbag. But in those cases, you might need to have the confidence to grin cheekily in the face being examined before being ushered on with a blush.
As a general rule, I try not to pack anything that could not be easily replaced should it be lost in transit. Rather I see it as an opportunity to peruse my destination for new and exciting opportunities and toys I might not have come across at the local Tesco. I do love to broaden my horizons after all.
Don’t forget to wear a hat in a sun and the appropriate lotions as the occasion requires,
Love, Auntie Jen
March 17th
Dear Auntie Jen,
My (soon-to-be) Dom and I are both quite new to the prospects of having a longterm/24-7 DS dynamic which is thoroughly negotiated. While we are quite versed in negotiating the more intimate and sexual exploits of our time together, we are realizing that there is a lot more to think of when moving from shorter sessions to a continuous dynamic.
I want us to work out a contract or agreement of sorts, and while there are many recommendations out there, I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject. Do you have any advice about what not to forget in a contract, or how to go about making it? Or do you know of any examples we could look at, that are - in your opinion - well thought out?
Humbly and with much excitement,
A freshly minted Sub.
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Dear freshly minted Sub,
Congratulations to you and your Dom for exploring a new aspect of your dynamic! This is so exciting! For you, but also for me, because yours is the very first letter I have received from someone I haven't had to brow-beat into writing in. So. welcome!
(Look mum! Someone out of the coop sent in a question!)
In short, I LOVE contracts. They lend such a delightful formality to one’s affairs. One might pursue the same connection without a contract, naturally, but contracts are extremely useful for setting expectations and boundaries and can be especially good when starting out a more persistent D/s dynamic.
Rather than being a mystical ever-binding agreement for the submissive to now and forever do whatever the Dominant says - perhaps signed over candles, serenaded by a choir of angelic voices (though that does sound like fun) - in reality, they spell out what each person wants and needs explicitly.
But, they can also outline how you might talk about those wants and needs, how you might negotiate or renegotiate them (and the contract itself), and also specify time and space when you might step out of the continuous dynamic temporarily to review how it is going.
There really is no one way to have a contract. For some darlings they serve as a declaration of the philosophy behind their arrangement. Perhaps laid out on parchment and drawn up with a quill made from the finest ostrich feather. Others might have a simpler contract that says “I do what she says or I get a right seeing to” and “I do the right seeing to.”
Contracts being so versatile, they can feel overwhelming, so my advice when drawing up your inaugural agreement is to keep it relatively simple with a few core ideas and perhaps even set it for a short time period, such as a week, fortnight, or month, with the intention to sign another agreement at the end of that period.
Doing it this way gives you the chance to review and adjust things for the next one without the pressure of getting everything right the first time out. And once it is all going swimmingly, you can of course set a contract that is more indefinite and thorough. But even then I would include a provision for when and how you might review how it is going and adjust anything you might need to.
Also, I rather enjoy making an occasion of it. A soiree to the signing if you will. This can be as simple as doing so over a special tea and biscuit to having a gigantic party with friends and loved ones looking on.
My version is to attend my favourite naughty club and have my girl on all fours at my feet whilst she gleefully signs her submission with a pen held between her teeth for an appreciative audience. It might mean her name is less than legible, but we all know what it means. I then sign the same contract with a big lipstick kiss, resting the paper on her back before sealing the ceremony with a cheery smacked arse for all to enjoy.
I know.
I’m so generous.
Wishing you all the very best and do let me know how it goes!
Love, Auntie Jen.
March 24th
Dear Auntie Jen,
Recently on a long car trip, my dear little thing was being rather cheeky. What can I do to put the dear back in her place whilst on the move?
Love, Sandy behind the wheel
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Dear Sandy,
First things, first, which is safety first.
Discipline and driving should always be secure.
And speaking of secure, you could always strap your dear in nice and tight to keep her firmly in place. Think how safe she'll be if she's also wrapped up in duct tape from the emergency kit in the boot as well her seat belt. And of course if it's her mouth getting her in trouble, you could stuff that with a windscreen rag.
Let your car interior be your restraining inspiration.
If you can't pull over to take them to task at a rest stop or throw in the boot (note: don't throw them in the boot, it's not safe, plus the new ones have those little handles that allow them let them get themselves out) a friendly pinch between the knees is but a hair away from where the gear stick resides.
But for future excursions, my moto is "be prepared," so along with the car jack and spare tire, I always make sure to have. the afore mentioned duct tape and rags but also very useful for any journey with.a car and/or petulant submissive are the following: zip ties, lengths of rope, winter chains, and a spray bottle.
All of course with prior consent and for the betterment to all involved.
Happy motoring! Don't forget to wear driving gloves and a dramatically billowing scarf (both potentially also handy in a pinch for course corrections).
Love, Auntie Jen
March 31st
Dear Auntie Jen,
My beloved little animal and I adore a country stroll and especially enjoy getting ourselves lost in the woods to have a roll around in the leaves. But due to circumstances, neither she nor I am are ones for carrying large bags of kit along for the adventure. How might we have a naughty time in nature without access to our usual accoutrements?
Yours, Rose with a Thorn.
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Dear Rose with a Thorn,
You almost answer your question with your delightful moniker! For Mother Nature is a perv just like us, in that she provides bountiful opportunities for wickedness in her very wickets.
To wit, you could start by looking in the shrubbery for inspiration. Hazel, for example, can provide a lovely flexible branch for a short sharp lesson. Or if you want to give your beloved a bouquet, a bundle of birch rods drawn together with a ribbon if you have any to hand, or a couple of flexible reeds if you don't, will bring a blush to her cheeks.
If the same circumstances that make carrying large bags an issue means that a hearty swing might not be in the offing, a good bundle of nettles can provide a cheery wince-inducing caress with but a brush of the hand.
And also can make for a delightful cup of post-play tea.
Personally, I rather love tying a dear to a tree and finding a feather or leaf in the near by foliage to drive her to distraction.
As you do, consider avoiding unwelcome attention by being a fair ways into the brush before you go a fair ways into her brush.
Lots of love,
Auntie Jen considering a hike.
April 7th
Dear Auntie Jen,
My Mistress and I live far apart and sometimes it can go long stretches without seeing each other in person. Sometimes phone calls are even tricky with a time-zone difference. Whilst she is away, I miss her administrations terribly. Is there anything that you can suggest she and I do to alleviate such frustration.
With gratitude,
Abigail the Wistful
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Dear miss Wistful,
I am often told the submissive won't spank herself by colleagues and neighbours as they take their leave post-tea time and go about the business of discipline, but that is not entirely true.
Because in my experience a darling such as yourself can be instructed to do just that when unsupervised.
Though distance can be lamentable, and even hard on a relationship, it does afford particularly fun opportunities for giving one's girl instructions to carry out in one's absence. It could be as simple as requiring her to slap her thigh firmly when she wakes each morning as a cheery reminder, or as involved as an elaborate laid plan involving whipped cream, a trowel, and a pair of boxer shorts to be performed over the period of several months or harvest cycle.
Use your imagination, is what I say!
Instructions can be given by phone, email, or letter and the submissive can provide response, report, or even evidence of the task completed - also, potentially in creative ways.
Think of the fun crafts or pictures your Mistress could require of you. To be delivered perhaps promptly, or collected for when you do meet.
I rather like a girl to keep a binder full of the records (and preferably photographic or video evidence) of her misdeeds, so I can enjoy them on the occasions we meet to perform our own collective misdeeds.
I hope any of this is inspirational - let me know if you want the whipped cream instructions. I am always happy to share.
Love,
Auntie Jen
April 14th
Dear Auntie Jen,
I am a recently freed submissive (amicably released) and find I am in need of a firm hand. Do you have any suggestions as to where I might find such assistance?
Love
Searching in Camden
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Dear Searching,
Oh goodness a submissive out on the loose!
I shan't have it.
We must immediately scoop you and up put you right back in your cage.
In Camden you say?
Not sure I can make it that far just this moment.
So, in the meantime, I recommend your local naughty little bar or club. Clubs can be lovely though some are loud and with people very much interested in becoming engaged in activity with those they already know.
So, if that proves tricky you could look into "munches." Which aren't establishments where we dine on darling little things such as yourself, more's the pity, but rather a place for like minded folk to meet and discuss outside of their usual leather attire.
Organisations that put together workshops can also be places to meet those of a similar persuasion but do remember to keep your mind on education during the lesson and reserve connecting to the social time before and after.
Or of course you could offer yourself up as a test bunny? I must admit I have occasionally made the best of chums with my targets during the process of giving firm instruction.
But whatever avenues you choose, whether in person or on the Internet, be safe, and be clear with what you need and are looking for. You have standards after all.
Stay cheeky and I have no doubt the right Mistress is out there just begging to clap her swift hands on you.
Lots of love,
Auntie Jen.
April 21st
Dear Auntie Jen,
My Mistress and I have been together for a couple months and she wants me to meet the queers-in-law. I am very excited to meet her chosen family but I have never been to a formal dinner like this before as a submissive. How should I conduct myself.
Yours, shy in a formal gown.
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Dear ms in a formal gown,
Meeting the parents! How delightful!
But I do appreciate it can be a little nerve-wracking not knowing whether the soup is served from the left or right, which fork is for what, and whether on not submissives are supposed to slurp their food off the floor under the boot heel of their dear Betters.
Which is also why this is a touch tricky to answer, because there really is no single set of rules for such events. Some leather families have very specific and intricate protocol to their homes, where there is a definitive hierarchy of behaviour and station for each member and guest.
Others have nothing of the sort and can be as informal as any family get together. And if they are anything like mine, they are very particularly informal in the swearing, guffawing, and occasional food fight department.
The quickest answer to this question is to be guided by your Mistress. Which really is kind of the answer to life, the universe, and everything, in my book, so in nearly any situation just default to that. She will be able to give you instruction on how you are expected to behave.
But also as a general rule, it is always good to bring a gift. A bouquet of flowers, a bottle of something. It is however gauche to bring a butt plug to a family dinner if you have never met them before.
That's more of a second dinner sort of thing.
Love, Auntie Jen.
April 28th
Dear Auntie Jen,
I do so love going to the clubs with my Mistress and I do like playing there with her, but I am really quite shy. Is there any way that i can get over my performance anxiety?
A Girl Who Would Be Exhibitionist
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Dear girl who would be,
An appreciative audience is certainly welcome for many, but I understand it can lead to a little stage fright even for those of us who delight in such attentions. And I am not sure if it is obvious yet, but I am certainly one who enjoys just that.
Though of course, even I can get shy at the prospect of the masses seeing me doing something intimate or even just judging the arc and technique of my swing so to speak.
My recommendation is to start small. Perhaps something minor or out of the way in a corner to get used to the space. Measure your and your Mistresses' comfort level and develop from there.
Of course, a blindfold can be a handy accessory to limit one's own awareness of the audience (for you, probably not so much your Mistress). There can be some naughty niceness in being aware of one's surroundings only by the delighted coos of those enjoying your spectacle.
But if that is too much, earplugs could also work. But just be sure to make sure you have a good solid way to communicate with your Mistress throughout.
How else will you get stage directions, and know when it is time to get up off the sticky floor and take your well deserved bow.
Keen to catch your next performance. I will be the one throwing the thorny roses. Only with your enthusiastic consent of course,
Love, Auntie Jen.
May 5th
Dear Auntie Jen,
My poor dear little service sub has managed to catch a nasty bug, the poor dear, and is to be laid up in bed for some time. She is used to serving me quite extensively and has become quite frustrated. What can I do to keep the girl engaged in her convalescence?
Yours faithfully,
A Mistress making her own tea.
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Dear Mistress with a kettle,
Oh goodness, I am very sorry to hear your darling servant is so waylaid! I can imagine that is challenging for you both. It is a terrible thing for a Mistress to have to serve herself a hot beverage, but it is sometimes harder still for a dedicated maid who must watch Her do so.
My suggestion is to focus her mind. For example, she could be put to task learning something to better her service for when she is once again able to manage her more usual duties. This could be researching new scone recipes, cataloguing her Mistress’ implements alphabetically and then in orders of severity, or my personal favourite, have her learn to recite an ancient poem in the original old Norse.
Just imagine leaning back in your armchair with your tragically self-made brew, as you close your eyes to listen to the quite literal Epic metre of a heraldic yarn of gods and monsters. And of course, if she misses a beat, you could always think of creative ways to discipline, so as to keep her mind off what ails her and on perfecting entertaining you, even in her temporary retired form.
Wishing her a quick recovery and you a jolly good storytime.
Auntie Jen
May 12th
Dear Auntie Jen,
Upon a recent visit to my local GP, I was diagnosed with a quite serious case of tennis elbow. Given that I do not enjoy the sport, I found it hard to explain to the doctor what might have actually caused it. My question then is, what can I do with my girl whilst I recuperate from flogging her on the regular.
Yours, Ms. nearly in a cast of South London.
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Dear Ms. nearly in a cast,
This I can most certainly empathise with! As some of my readers who follow my exploits might know, I too have suffered from this affliction following the administration of a fine scourging. And if you are reading this Penny, that means you, you teak-bottomed miscreant!
Needless to say, I was quite put out and had to find a creative and gentle way to take my consensual revenge on the girl that inspired my ails.
Thankfully, this is where science comes to a mean old Mistress’ aid. For there are ways to inflict maximum deliciousness with minimal physical effort from the Lady. The principle is the distribution between force and surface area. The smaller or thinner the impact with enough pressure can lead to a sharper experience than a larger or heftier equivalent.
That is why a single tail is so much more feared than a flogger, and a cane can be considered fiercer sometimes than a paddle.
Or if swinging is out the question, have the dear beg on her knees in a tray of dried peas or rice. She could serenade you whilst she suffers to heal your wounded appendage.
So, consider the lighter instruments in your life to soothe your hardworking arm. A Mistress shouldn’t have to break a sweat when she breaks in a willing supplicant, after all.
Love
Auntie Jen
19th May
Dear Auntie Jen,
I have recently broken up with my Mistress and though we did so amicably, I am of course broken hearted and already miss our regular weekly time together.
What can I do feel better and look forward to what is to come?
Love, A girl and her bucket of ice cream.
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Dear girl and her ice cream,
My sincerest empathies for your break up. Even when these things are as positively handled as one could hope for, the sense of loss can be acute. Especially when a weekly experience has been so present for a while.
I shan't be glib nor silly (about that at least, everything else of course), and rather suggest you surround yourself with loved ones and the things that make you feel well. Perhaps that might include revisiting good memories by rereading any letters or returning to any favourite scenes.
Or if that is too difficult, perhaps consider what is to come. Because there will be more for you. I promise.
I for one, am not going anywhere. And I know our little community will be here. I just heard in fact that a new club will be opening at some point in the not so distant future. And I shall look forward very much to seeing you there, my dear thing.
Do make yourself known and I shall gladly give you a hearty hug and introduce you to my firmest friends.
With endless love,
Auntie Jen.
